Transparent post alert. Being attractive is not as easy as it seems. Everyone wants to be desired, everyone wants a desired look, but no one ever considers what comes with “the look”.
Self esteem is supposed to be the idea of how one feels about themselves. However, the way we feel about ourselves is mostly impacted by what surrounds us. I would hear my guy friends compare women on a daily basis. “She look sweet, but she ain’t got no ass.” Or, “She got a nice body, but an ugly face.” These hurtful comments made me stop and wonder what was wrong with me?
Observing how many compare women to one another like a pastime sport, it became real easy to start doing the same to myself. Spending more time pinpointing my flaws and wishing I could improve certain parts of me. Over the years, I’ve struggled with eating disorders and self-hatred. It took me a while to be able to be okay with what I saw in the mirror.
As a woman, I have had to struggle with criticism, rejection, abuse, and humiliation. I’ve been told that’s part of being a woman, but for the life of me I can’t understand it. To be pursued as though I’m the holy grail, and thrown out like wet toilet paper. I’ve developed a strong distrust in men. Knowing that every single man that I encounter will see me as another conquest. I’m a shattered porcelain doll, glued back together with the same tears that roll down my cheeks.
The gag is, men are aware of what they do. They pit women against each other, laugh at us knowing they got away with damn near murder, and never once hold themselves accountable. So at this point I need to ask myself, should I stay and be abused? Or move on and get my abuse from another person? Or live and die alone? To men, I’m fun to look at. I’m not a real person. Lie to me, tell me what I want to hear. Use me until i’ve gone mad or become an empty shell of a person.
I live in constant fear my entire life because being a black woman is the scariest experience ever. Everyday I proudly live in my truth, accept the inevitable, and I’m 1,000% scared to love. The brutal honesty is the person you love isn’t always going to be honest or faithful. The person you love won’t be half as into you as you are to them. The only solution to my desolate cycle is transparency, love, and time. In due time, I will love again, and in due time I will shine again.
What I have learned in my 5 years of being single and healing?
- I can’t drown the pain with positive thoughts. Although, they are great affirmations, I can’t pretend that the trauma doesn’t exist. I have to work through it. In the years that I have battled with this, I’ve learned that if a man is uncomfortable with my past, he will never respect me. I should be able to talk to him about traumas I have been through and not just the pretty stuff.
- I can’t mask the pain with sex. Sex is, of course, FANTABULOUS! But sex isn’t a cure for trauma. Instead, it is a constant reminder of trauma.
- I will never let anyone silence my inner voice. That voice took years of experience. I call it my gift from God. It’s the only reason I’m still alive.
- If a person ever lies to me, I can forgive them. I will just know that their lies is just a carbon footprint of what they are. Once you see what they are capable of, there is no unseeing it.
- I am 100% responsible for my healing. If I date men that triggers trauma, I can’t claim to be a victim from my own consequences.
Thanks guys for your patience,
Remember to dream big, take chances, and never stop learning. We are CurlyBae.